Monday, June 20, 2011

The Mystery

There are some things in life that you never really understand. You become more accustom to them. Over time they find their place in the landscape of your life.

Some things are harder then others. Some things just never make sense.

Watching your boy claw, aggress and fight his way out of a foreign social situation the way a cat reacts when thrown into just a mystery to me. I watched it today in full force, in a way I haven't in a long time. It caught me off guard.

The autistic mind is such a mystery to me.....

What is it like to react to a new face in a familiar setting the same way others react to being chased by an attacker? Or how you or I would panic if we were standing on the edge of a cliff and suddenly our foot slipped?

To hold your little boy kicking, pushing, ramming you to get away.......all from having a new person in his normal routine.

What must that be like for him? Life must feel so unsafe around every corner.

 To feel panic, fear and such a flight response that your are willing to fight your own mother. I have no idea what it's like to not understand social settings and new people.

Like when the new girl in Sunday school sat in his seat 3 places from the left in the front row. Getting through that door to class was as if there were some awful, ugly, terrible monster waiting for him on the other side. The panic could be cut with a knife, it was so thick.

As a mother, seeing terror in this way does not shake off easily.

This truly is a mystery to me how his mind takes in and processes his world so different then mine does. How things I take for granted every single day are huge mountains for him to climb.

He is not a mean or bad kid but the outside world would argue that.

They judge the outside where God and a mother judge the heart.

He is my best snuggler, believe it or not :o)


Christine said...

Oh, how I can relate! Mine doesn't have exactly the same issues, but my adrenalin runs high about half the time, due to his responses to life.

His OCD keeps him pretty quiet in public these last two years, but people do stare at us, because he looks like a scared puppy in normal situations. In the past, his fits kept us a spectacle.

This life takes prayer. Lots. of. prayer.

Praying for you and yours nightly.

Sandi said...

So grateful for your prayers...they mean the world.

And you are so right....prayer is the only way to navigate this road. Sometimes I can forget that :O)

Stacy said...

Oh, Sandi...
I hear such compassion and understanding from you in this post... putting yourself in his shoes, and "trying on" his fear and angst about these situations. I'm SO proud of you.

Blessings to your sweet I... and for you as you navigate these situations with him.

Love you!

Cara said...

You are a gracious Mama, friend. Grateful for your love for your boy... can I be like you some day?

Christine said...

I, too, think it wonderful that you are putting yourself in his place. It is so important to see them as Jesus sees them. True for our special needs kids, and our "normal" ones.....whatever normal means. I don't think I know anymore. :)