Thursday, April 21, 2011

Another Year

April 19th marks nine years since we met and said goodbye (for now) to our second child Jonah Ethan.

Every year the day approaches and it "feels" easier to face, yet every year without fail I am caught off guard by the emotion. It isn't a why or where that catches me, it's the not knowing.

Not knowing what life would be like with a nine year old boy stomping through the house.
Not knowing if his hair is red (like his siblings) or dark like it was at birth.
Not knowing if he would be the family clown or the serious one.
Not knowing what his laugh sounds like,
Not knowing his smile or tears.

There is a space left in our lives.

I often think of all the "one mores". There would be one more bike in the garage, one more plate at the table, one more towel in the bathroom, one more jacket to hang, one more pair of shoes to buy, one more person to laugh with and one more to walk life with.

I miss his little body that I said goodbye to but mostly I miss knowing what made him who he is....something I have to wait to find out.

As tradition, we as a family toss stones from Jonah's funeral into the ocean each year. A reminder that he lives on even though we can't see him nor know him. It is also a physical reminder that he was born and had a name and a family. No matter where those stones end up they will stand for Jonah's life. I love knowing they are out there.


I have been listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's newest CD Beauty Will Rise. It has ministered to my soul so much this week. To have someone sing your own feelings and heart in so many ways is a blessing. This particular song encouraged my heart this week.

It was a beautiful day to remember and hope.

1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

13 But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. 14 For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. 15 For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, [1] that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16 For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. 18 Therefore encourage one another with these words


Stacy said...

This is a beautiful post, dear Sandi. My heart aches for you that you face all the not-knowings and one mores. Love you, friend!

Cara said...

I long for you to be reunited with your boy, friend. What a beautiful tradition you've created to celebrate Jonah's short life.

Christine said...

Beautiful post, Sandi. So perfect a description of what loss looks like, feels like, years later.

Happy Resurrection Day! Wishing you joy as you celebrate together.