Present ~ be all there where I am
This last year has been whirlwind of change. We moved again and I think we are pushing a world record in that area. Long hours for Aaron, health issues, depression, and the introduction of autism into our lives. Honestly, I have never felt more weak nor distracted in my whole life. I have had my fair share of intense life prior to this year but this year took the cake.
In doing research, finding help, addressing daily life issues with a child on the spectrum our lives became somewhat of a busy crazy mess. Routine and rhythm were out the window. To much information and research plus slugging though each day battling depression almost consumed me. I didn't even realize I was sinking. I lost the ability to think well and clearly. I stopped reading for fun or learning except for information on Autism. It's as if I've lost most of my ability to think deep thoughts and for extended periods of time. I literally thought I was losing my mind at times. Just taking in snippets of information always scanning quickly and never lingering long really does change how your brain functions......I am convinced of it.
So, after coming to terms with these things over the last few months I have made some other discoveries. One being that I have a B12 deficiency that mimics depression and focus problems. I also let the anxiety over my sons autism take me for a ride. Not abnormal but unacceptable. I know the God who is the designer and creator of this little boy and who provides all I need for life and godliness. There are still days I wrestle this one to the ground.
I let the urgent become the dictator in our house, giving into it's very whim. The unknown (autism) made me feel out of control and panicky. The help we pursued took along time to come. As I type this 4 months later it has produced little real help for us but has come at a great cost to us on many levels. I was relying on professionals and analysts to fix things. And there is valid help but IT is not my hope or quick fix. I know my child more and better then anyone else. Though professionals can be of help we have to do what is best for our child, on our terms, even if it doesn't look right to others. I stopped listening to myself, to the Holy Spirit in me and that intuition that He has gifted me with (as he has all of us). What was I thinking? The point is I wasn't.
My life got complicated, stressful and out of control on many levels. This New Year I am gaining that ground back. I am backing off of information addiction for His presence and rest. It is SO easy when your tired, stressed and overwhelmed to zone instead of think, seek and wait. I am digging myself out of that hole right now. And for those of you who know me well and my all to common habit of being hard on myself......be assured that I accept the learning curve we are on to be steep and I'm not being too hard on myself. Grace upon grace!
I am returning to a simple life. No more tons of people coming and going. Going back to learning in a flexible joy filled way without all the time frames and agenda's. Finding peace and beauty in the basics of life...reading together, just talking about whatever, eating simple heathly meals, enjoying friends, playing games, getting outside in nature (even when it's freezing) and just being together. And taking the difficult days right along with the breezy ones.
I want to be intentional this year with ~
~ being fully where I am instead of projecting into tomorrow or even that afternoon. When they say "Mama look at my drawing" I want to look at it like it was the first time I have ever seen a dragon drawing even though they are drawn in my house daily.
~ making simple nutrious meals for my people. I don't really enjoying this but am working at that. Finding joy and beauty in it.
~ taking in to much information, to fast and doing nothing with it. It is like a drug in some ways and is such a time waster. I need to use the internet wisely and not let it use me. I want to ponder and think instead of gather information.
~ reading for enjoyment and for influencing my heart in that slow thougtful way that only reading can do. I am creating my book list and plan to read ones I already have on hand. Very different from my typical choices.
~ taking care of myself by managing my B12 issues well and getting regular exercise
~ with my words. The ones I write, the ones I say, the ones I read and the ones I memorize.
This quote has been circling my head the last few days:
“Time is a relentless river and it rages on, respecter of no one.
And the only way to slow time is this: Enter fully into the current moment and the stream of time slows — slows — with the weight of a soul’s full attention.
We slow the torrent by being all here.
Life at its fullest is this sensitive, detonating sphere, and it can be carried only in the hands of the unhurried and reverential—a bubble held in awe.”