Typing out part 3 of Measure of Success was an exercise of faith. This post was originally written several weeks ago. All of them written in one hour. Just one of those times where clear sight flooded my heart and I wrote. Then, I really embraced what I was writing. I not only believed what I was writing but rejoiced in it.
Today, I find the rejoicing part difficult. I know He is enough, I know that the difficult things I face are really grace in disguise. Mercy that I cannot yet see and means for Him to show himself to me. Yet, that knowing isn't enough sometimes to really hold onto the rejoicing part.
I guess I find the difficultly being my own child SO hard. It's different when it's me. This mama bear in me just wants peace for him. I am not a fear based kind of person for the most part. It hasn't been until I lost our son Jonah and now the struggles with Isaac that I have really struggled with gripping fear. That powerlessness to not be able to save your child. I couldn't make Jonah live and I can't make Isaac neuro typical. HE has a story designed for both my sons and honestly with my limited vision I would have chosen different roads for them both.
But this IS the road we travel, their story and path. It really is wasted energy and effort to worry over what I can't change. Yet, I still catch myself battling for hope.....battling to embrace the gospel which has met my greatest need and that of both my sons. And I know that even then, in my hopelessness He still provides and works for our good. I'm glad that I don't have to get it right to get the best plan for our lives. If that were the criteria we'd be hooped.
We start an official autism assessment for Isaac next week. We have six appointments in about 10 days. Some days I think I know what they will tell me and then others I'm not so sure. Very much appreciate your prayers during this time.