Sunday, February 14, 2010

Valentines Day

This date is forever seared on my heart and not for the reasons you may think. It still shakes me some 8 years later how innocent that day started, then by days end left us so lost and unable to breath. It really only takes a moment for your life as you know it to be turned upside down.

We had plans that day, I am sure. I just can't remember what they were. Our dear friend Jen stayed with Journey while we very happily trotted off to our ultrasound. I remember sitting in the waiting room with a busting bladder. It's down right painful the amount of water they make you drink. I waltzed into the room and chattered away at the tech. Then she excused herself. Oh well, maybe she needs to go to the bathroom I thought to myself.

She returned with the doctor. I knew then that my life would never be the same. He opened his mouth and I heard very little. The only phrase that stuck in my brain was "incompatible with life". As he continued to talk I heard only murmuring but remember saying over and over to myself....."Is he telling me my baby is going to die?" It's amazing how vivid memory can be when your in pain.

To read the story start here @ The Sovereignty Chronicles. I haven't finished telling the story, I've only made it to chapter three. I haven't finished sewing Jonah's quilt nor making his photo album. I used to think it was because I had so much going on in life, which isn't untrue, it's just not the real reason.

Jonah's life on this earth is finished. It ended not long after it started. He has never played at the beach, tried his first food, giggled his first laugh on this side of heaven. Our earthly relationship is done and oh how I look forward to the heavenly one. I have come to see that my not finishing his story, his quilt or his album is because once I is over. When you read the last word of his story there will be no more words to add. There will be no more pictures to add once the last one is placed. The quilt will have no baby to cover once it's sewn. Not finishing in some small way keeps him alive.

I do want to finish these things that so connect me to his life and death. I just love having something to do that is about him and that remembers him. I guess I worry that once I finish these things it will be like loosing him all over again. I'm not sure how it will be but will find out one day when I am ready.


mamabear said...

I'm so glad you had some minutes with him before he passed! I wasn't sure about that when I originally found your blog and read Jonah's story. You've been through so much pain, and I'm so sorry you've have to travel this road. I sense a sanctification in you that is rare, but I'm sure that isn't a trade off you would have chosen. Bless you, Friend. I'll be praying this month.

Beth said...

Mary Kate Fleming
Born into Heaven 4/1/06

A mother's heart never forgets even if her arms are temporarily empty. One day they will be wrapped around our precious babes again. For now we know they rest peacefully and joyfully in our Savior's arms. No better place to be.

thatmom said...

Bless you for sharing this story....{{{{}}}}}


Amy @ Raising Arrows said...

I have these same feelings about Emmy's scrapbook. It will all be over if I finish that scrapbook. I still sometimes feel anxiety over the fact that someday her death will be 30 years away instead of feels unfathomable.
{{HUGS}} to you.

Susan @ Heart Pondering said...

Hi Sandi,
Thanks for your comments at HP and linking to my post on bloggig; I appreciate it. Thanks too for this powerful post about your son Jonah. It so helps me understand the heart of a mama who has experienced this tragedy to hear you reflect on it. It makes so much sense to me... and your words and sentiments are beautiful. Thanks for writing them.

Muse Mama said...

I know exactly what you mean. I have a scrapbook I haven't finished in the five years since my baby's death. It's like if I finish that, I'll have finished all I can do as her mother, and I don't want to be done being her mother.

I wish I had words of inspiration, but all I've found reading this is tears of sympathy. *hug*

Anonymous said...

This is heart wrenching. GOd has done such a marvelous work in you to beable to continue to love and serve your family and others the way you do every day!
I pray your pain will lessen and the joy of Jonah's memory be a blessing to you and your family.


erin v