Monday, April 06, 2009

Today's Rehearsal

What a weekend. Two weeks ago my older kids were sick, the next weekend Eli was in the ER and you guessed it.....I was sick this past weekend. I went to church but honestly could have stayed in bed and sleep for the entire day. I'm pretty good at pushing myself, very poor at asking for help.

I have lately spent the better part of my time listening to myself rather then talking to myself.

I am tired! Let me just tell you how tired! I deserve a vacation, some time off...peace and quiet. The kids are waking early, my husband was on call for work when I got sick and I did have some planned time to myself that was cancelled because he ended up having to work. On top of that I feel like homeschooling is a joke right now, my house is a mess, I am never alone and there are issues with one of the kids. This stinks....I deserve better.

Ever had one of these conversations with yourself?

With out telling my self the truth I will continue to travel the road of self pity and rising bitterness. The truth is I have everything I need. Maybe not what I want but my greatest need has been met in the cross. You Lord, have provided all I need for life and godliness. Most of all you've provided my way out when I fall on my face. I'm so relieved that I don't have to be perfect nor pay the penalty for not doing so.
You know my heart in all it's weakness and you know my desire to please you, to be filled with joy despite any circumstance or how I feel. Lord, lead me to your comfort, peace and satisfaction today. I am so unable to do it for myself.

Help me:
to be weak & sick but at peace
to be tired & weary yet pleasant
to be sad & grieving yet still grateful
to be satisfied in all you are
instead of focused on all I am not.
The above is a prayer entry from my hand written journal. I find that when I really need to hear, see and taste the truth, writing it out really helps me. God is faithful and provides all that I need. When I feel that isn't true it's because I am not believing it not because He's not providing.
Rehearsing the gospel everyday is like rehearsing for a theater production. Day in and day out we practice the lines, actions, all aspects of a job well done. All this preparation is building to opening night. It helps me to remember that my job right now is to rehearse but that opening night is coming, the moment I see Him face to face.
The gospel is so foolish (according to my natural wisdom), so scandalous (according to my conscience), and so incredible (according to my timid heart), that it is a daily battle to believe the full scope of it as I should. There is simply no other way to compete with the forebodings of my conscience, the condemnings of my heart, and the lies of the world and the Devil then to overwhelm such things with daily rehearsings of the gospel.
The Gospel Primer by Milton Vincent
The fact that I need to get better at asking for help is a whole nother post. After relying on God and the truth of the gospel, I need to learn better how to rely on those God has provided and
actually ask for help. :o)

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey Sandi,

Did you write that Help Me poem? It is beautiful. I need the tired yet pleasant part to work out in my heart :0)

Jess Les

Sandi said...

Hey Jess,

Yes, I wrote that poem. I find writing my prayers so help in the present and then revisitng them too.