Monday, June 16, 2008

Being the Mama

Ya know...being the mama isn't so easy sometimes. In light of my history with baby losses and this much desired pregnancy going so well...I feel tempted to guilt about struggling. I don't want to be mama today. I want to be on vacation, alone! There I said it!

It "feels" like every thing is an uphill mountain climb right now. Being pregnant at almost 40 is physically very different from 30....and this pregnancy has just taken a toll on me. I am so grateful and try to keep that at the forefront but feel I am neglecting so much simply to survive. I am neglecting my blog for one. I have many thoughts and ideas but have perpetual baby brain so actually posting something articulate is hopeless. I feel I have been neglecting many friendships simply to put my energy where it has to be...with my husband and kids. We are still doing school and will be till July because we moved and ditched school due to a very sick mama for 6 weeks. Not to mention all the moving projects that still need doing.

I have all these desires to be spending way more time in my kitchen...making my own yoghurt, bread from scratch and homemade snacks. This isn't a burden but a desire and yet the energy just isn't there. I have two choices...self pity (oh so easy for me) or doing the next thing, trusting in God's perfect plan for me. I feel so limited right now, so slow in mind and body and it's not even hot yet. He is teaching me so much about the end of myself. My self-sufficiency is laughable. It is good for my soul yet painful along the way. I fight the temptation to feel like a failure because God has given me the desire of my heart in this new little life. Why can't I be content without performing with passion and drive like normal.....ultimately it is because I still must think that it earns me some favor in his eyes...even alittle bit.

So I tell my "feelings to take a hike" and keep preaching the gospel to this tired body and heart....knowing he is faithful and will carry me. That I am never alone and left to myself as I might think. What a relief! It's so strange to be feeling so much one way but battling with your mind in a complete other direction. I can only believe this is a part of renewing ones mind and walking in faith.

I have always found this poem to be such an encouragement in these times.

Do the Next Thing

At an old English parsonage down by the sea,

there came in the twilight a message to me.
Its quaint Saxon legend deeply engraven
that, as it seems to me, teaching from heaven.
And all through the hours the quiet words ring,
like a low inspiration, 'Do the next thing.'

Many a questioning, many a fear,
many a doubt hath its quieting here.
Moment by moment, let down from heaven,
time, opportunity, guidance are given.
Fear not tomorrow, child of the King,
trust that with Jesus, do the next thing.

Do it immediately, do it with prayer,
do it reliantly, casting all care.
Do it with reverence, tracing His hand,
who placed it before thee with earnest command.
Stayed on omnipotence, safe 'neath His wing,
leave all resultings, do the next thing.

Looking to Jesus, ever serener,
working or suffering be thy demeanor,
in His dear presence, the rest of His calm,
the light of His countenance, be thy psalm.
Do the next thing.

Author unknown


Hester said...

Lovely post, S. I've found that lately just doing one small thing at a time (constantly, one after the other!) is all I can do not to go crazy some days. We can't accomplish everything, nor live a perfect life (whatever that looks like) - Christ did that already for us! Amen! I'm so glad that you're growing this wonderful baby, yogurt, shmogurt.

Elise said...

It's so funny that you got to the poem at the end- I was thinking of it at the beginning! :)

I understand, friend. I'm there right now (and we're doing school up to July (at least that's our goal) for the same exact reasons you are!) and many days hubby knows just what to say- yesterday, for example, he told me that even though I felt as if I'd done nothing productive during the day, he pointed out that three meals on the table, schoolwork done and laundry *started* was more work than some even get to... I was grateful.

I just know that you're accomplishing more than you think, it's just so different compared to what you can do *normally*, right? Hang in there. Speak the truth to yourself, yes, and accept the grace He so freely gives.

Love to you!

Melanie said...

That poem has gotten me through many days too. "Just do the next thing..."
I've also clung to the thought that only God accomplishes his to-do list each day in our lives. That is freeing.
I agree with Hester: yogurt, shmogurt! Just take it off your list!