Thursday, January 24, 2008

A Longing

What a week! I have had a nasty 6 days of insomnia and during that time I got a wicked cold. The last two nights I have slept only because NyQuil and I have become friends. I don't like to take meds even for a headache but the deprivation of sleep made me desperate.
I also became the sin monster at my house this week. No sleep, nasty cold, fever and a head that felt like a pulsating brick brought all the yuck to the surface. There were speeches to my ever patient husband, about how mom's never get to be sick.....all self focused pity on my part. Even these times are used for my good, I was simply having a hard time seeing it.

Do you ever think about what life will be like when there is no sickness of the body or the heart? When God speaks to us to do or obey and we won't hesitate or delay. When the first thought we have isn't for ourselves? Recently at our caregroup meeting we talked of heaven, of eternity with no pain , sorrow, and most on my mind, no sin. I wonder what it will feel like to be sinless? Will it feel like a bird soring in the sky, like a feather floating in the air or perhaps the weightlessness of space. I always imagine it as a weight being lifted and pure joy that can't be understood.....yet.

I have asked forgiveness of my family and God. Once again the undeserved mercy and grace of God is mine. The temptation to be irritable, grouchy and full of self pity still sits at my door, waiting for the first opportunity to come rushing out. It will happen again, sin will finds it's way out of my mouth, in my thoughts or actions. It is a constant companion.....for a time.
The sleeplessness and sickness have brought's made me long for that day when this will no longer be my battle. It's made me desperate for Him and the hope that only he can give.


Julie Stiles Mills said...

I completely understand. I used to suffer from insomnia. I couldn't GET to sleep. Too much going on in my head. Scheduling, to do lists, ideas, just too much. Once I GOT to sleep, I could STAY asleep,but the getting there was too much for me to do alone sometimes. My doctor prescribed Ambien (sp?). First 10 mg controlled release (I didn't need the controlled release), then 10 mg (too much), now 5 mg (just right). I don't take it every night, just when I need it.

Tracy said...

I do often meditate on how wonderful heaven will be...I can't wait. I can't wait to see JESUS! It does make life's pains easier to bear knowing it is temporary. I REALLY hope you do get some sleep though. It is so hard to function on limited amounts of sleep, especially if you aren't feeling well!

Heather_in_WI said...

Oh. I hope that you're feeling better! Great meditation though. :-)

I'm tagging you for a book meme. Participation, as always, is optional.