My area of discontent (really defined as; I am not sure God's plan is perfect or good) is in not having anymore children biologically. We are done. This is largely my husbands decision based on many hours of talking this through and prayer. I don't know that I will ever "be done" with wanting more children. Maybe when I am 80 and need two new hips and have no teeth left I will have lost the desire. There are many ways I could look at this decision. I could get mad and angry. I could manipulate him. I could whine all the time and complain. I could trust God's perfect sovereignty and pursue contentment.
I am to my best ability and by grace trying to trust God and find my peace in Him and not anything else. I realized that either God will change my husbands heart or He will change (and is) mine. If I really trust Him, this too will come to pass as it should. My husbands decisions are part of the plan. If I truly believe God is good then this is what is best for me, my husband, my two living children and my three with Jesus. Can this kind of longing and loss really be good? Crazy as it sounds, I don't only know it to be good in my understanding, but lately my heart has been learning to rejoice in this goodness that was never part of my plan.
In fact much of my current life was not part of my plan. I will be 40 in about 2 years and I am no where near where I dreamed I would be. I dreamed of a life on the mission field and I live in the suburbs of a large Canadian city ( I really don't like the city). I never dreamed my foreign mission field would be Canada. I was hoping for something a little more exotic. I always wanted six children. I never dreamed when I started having kids that I would loose more then I kept. I always hoped to be financially well off by this time in my life....well ain't happened yet. I have been tempted lately to compare my dreams with God's perfect plan. It has done nothing but breed discontent.
Many are the plans in the mind of man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.
As time has gone on I have become more content with what God has for me. My heart recently changed in how I saw "what has happened to me". I have no idea what will happen even tomorrow much less five years from now. If God is in control...which He is AND if He is good...which he overwhelmingly is.....then all I have for tomorrow is hope! I tended to focus on what was gone and not the character of God. As I continue to get this, it really seems possible to have joy and rejoicing in the worst of situations...even watching your child go to heaven. Even more, living without all three children that I miss daily. There is joy in it, not because it doesn't hurt or cause me to grieve, but because it is what is perfect and best for me and them. It is, as it should be. There is such rest in that.
I don't know if this is really coming across clearly or not. All I know is I deserve wrath and He has given life to me and all my children. When I begin to feel life isn't fair, is hard or just plain stinks, I think of how I really deserve nothing I have. My sin makes me a target for wrath and yet by mercy I will never come close to tasting that wrath. Amazing!
These are three questions from the sermon to ask yourself when things aren't going your way:
- What didn't I get that I was expecting, desiring, craving?
- What did I not receive that I felt I deserved?
- What was said about me or done to me that is worse then my many sins against God?
Forever indebted to mercy!! Grateful for santicfication and that he never leaves me where I am, but draws me closer everyday. He is at work ALL the time in me and you!