Tuesday, September 18, 2007

The Wee Hours of the Morning

The wee hours of the morning are the quietest of the day. I found myself sneaking into my children's bedrooms at about 4 am Saturday morning. I found my four year old son every which way in his bed. He sleeps like he lives....on the move. I straightened his little body, tucked in his covers and gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. I love that little boy. I then moved into my daughters room....the light in her fish tank still shining. She was wrapped up in her covers like a burrito...she hates to be cold. I kissed her sweet face and moved hair our of her eyes. She didn't move a muscle. What grace that we "know" these little people. What gifts these two are to us....what miracles they seem to me in light of the loss we were facing again....the third time. I headed back to the couch where for the last five and a half hours I was having intense contractions. The lull in the storm compelled me to go see my two living children.

That evening we waited in the hospital for a D&C over four hours, only to be told we were bumped from the O.R. and had to go home. The baby had already been gone an estimated 5 weeks by now...a missed miscarriage. We were told this could drag on for a long time. We were given meds to help it along at home.

I made it to the couch, exhausted from no sleep and hard work. As I lay drifting in thought my body faithfully let me know, as God has designed it, that I needed to push. At 4:20 am my fifth little baby's body passed from mine. I felt relief, gratefulness and sadness all at the same time. My body, with a little help had finally done it's job.

I am recovering....slower then I anticipated but better each day. I am grieving but very differently then my last miscarriage. As I process this being our last pregnancy the grief will show itself very clearly in it's own time. God has been good to us in all He has allowed. I am so much more grateful for my two children that have remained with me. What gifts they are!
Thank you for your prayers and kind words over the last weeks....they have done my heart good.


Heather_in_WI said...

Oh Sandi. I am so sorry for your loss.


Tami said...

Your family is in my thoughts and prayers. In God's Love, Tami

Stacy said...

Oh, friend.

I am weeping with you right now. Tears of sorrow for your loss.

I wish I were sitting beside you so that I could reach over and give you a hug.

Love to you. I continue to pray for you...


Melanie said...

There is nothing like loss that makes one appreciate what they do have; you have been blessed with your two living children!!!
It has been a long journey for you in childbearing, I'll continue to be in prayer for you in the weeks and months to come as this chapter in your life comes to an appearant close.
I wish you didn't have to suffer this loss...

Rebeca said...

I'm thankful that the time of waiting is over, and again, I'm so very sorry for this loss. I pray that the days ahead will be showered with grace, and that your hearts will know the comfort and peace of our Father.
I remember the night we found out we had lost Esther (third pregnancy, first miscarriage) going into the kids' rooms and holding them and feeling that amazing sense of gratitude for them. My son, who was almost four at the time comforted me by saying "Mom, now she can crawl on the streets of gold."
With love,

Tracy said...

Still praying for you. I am thankful that that part is over for you. God is good.

Trivium Academy said...

A beautiful and sad post, I'm sorry. Wrapping you in prayer for healing as you go through this difficult time. I know there are no words. Bless you.


Loraena said...

Crying for you right now.

The words of Job have been on my mind and heart lately - "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Mary said...

How beautifully you express yourself. You have touched my heart with your vulnerability. Praying for you my friend.