I don't really recall much of what I said to Jen when we arrived home. We didn't say a word the entire drive home. What would we say? The next few days were a blur. Waiting four days to get appointments to specialists at a children's hospital that was a two hour ferry ride away....was torture. I still thought they made a mistake.....they must have?
We arrived at Children's Hospital to be greeted by a genetic counselor, then a 2 hour ultrasound, then more genetic doctors and meetings then finally an amniocentesis. We were exhausted on every level. They listed all of the baby's issues in great detail with big words. They kept calling him a "lethal anomaly". I finally said I get it...could you please stop talking about my baby that way! They couldn't even bring themselves to acknowledge him as a person even though he moved through a two hour ultrasound like any other baby. He was a medical problem to them and nothing more.
We returned to our hotel room after two days of tests and meetings with doctors. We had to return home and take care of our two year old and needed another night to process all this. I couldn't sleep. I just began to cry out to God....really for the first time in a week. I laid my heart bare and I was flooded with peace... to my surprise. This is where the rubber met the road. Either my faith in God (really His faithfulness) was true and sure or I was going to loose it! I have never "felt" so desperate in my life and in need of being saved.
During that sweet time in the wee hours of the morning...this is where God started working on my heart. There are few distinct times in my life where I knew I "heard" God and this was one of them. I wrote in my journal:
"Rest Sandi, rest in me, this will bear fruit and I am with you"
Doesn't seem like much on paper but in that moment I was filled with faith.....not for a desired outcome to my circumstances but to know that He is faithful even when I couldn't be.
These were scriptures put on my heart that morning:
The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all He has made.
The Lord is faithful to all His promises and loving toward all He has made.
The Lord is righteous in all His ways and loving toward all He has made.
The Lord made my baby and through His sovereign plan had a reason for him being the way he was....though the world saw him as a problem with no value. I knew God was up to something but I had no idea how my faith and trust in God would be tested over the next year.