Thursday, April 05, 2007

Ahh...the Illusions of a Control Freak

Has it really been over a week since I posted? Time flies. Much change in the air here. We move in a few weeks, my husband just landed a new job that puts him away right up to our move. I am so excited for him but if I think to much can get overwhelmed for me :o). With help we are trying to have another baby and we will hit the 5 year mark this month of the passing of our precious boy Jonah. So that's why I haven't been around.

Ah!!!! perfection...the illusion of control freaks. I am a person who likes to get it right. When I don't I default to the inner failure pep talk. I know the truth about justification and sanctification. Clearly understand the difference. I know that I cannot earn my way to heaven. I try to look to the cross knowing that He is the only perfection; I have nothing to offer but my need....and still I tend to strive for perfection. It is an affront to the gospel BUT I still have that inner dialogue :

"Could you just get it together"

"What is wrong with you"

I believe in and (as much as possible) trust in the Sovereignty of God. Do I have a thick head?.....uh yeh! Do I have a deceitful heart?......absolutely! The question is: do I REST in what He has done for me.....NOPE!

I struggle to rest. I struggle to not do it better, faster, ............... fill in the blank. I have a hard time resting and receiving comfort. When I blow it (daily....actually hourly) I don't run for shelter where I should. I try to do more, better, faster all the while re-proving to myself that I don't measure up to a standard I cannot attain because I am not the savior...I just need to be saved. I am not good at being saved and rescued. I rebel against it. Needing help is being less than. At the end of the day it is all the pride of thinking too much of myself. It is the desire to be my own god and not be reliant and dependant.
My hearts cry is to learn to depend, to rest not in what I know but in who has saved me with great cost and find comfort there.
Help me Lord to trust in your perfection which was crushed for my sake. Thank you for your forgiveness in questioning your perfect sacrifice that has no flaws.

I received "The Valley of Vision" for my birthday. It has been sweetness to my soul. Here is a excerpt:

Grace Active
O God, may Thy Spirit speak in me that I may speak to Thee. I Lord Jesus, great high priest, Thou hast opened a new and living way by which a fallen creature can approach Thee with acceptance.
Help me to contemplate the dignity of Thy Person, the perfectness of Thy sacrifice, the effectiveness of Thy intercession.
O what blessedness accompanies devotion, when under all the trials that weary me, the cares that corrode me, the fears that disturb me, the infirmities that oppress me, I can come to Thee in my need and feel peace beyond understanding!
The grace that restores is necessary to preserve, lead, guard, supply, help me. And here Thy saints encourage my hope; they were once poor and are now rich, bound and are now free, tried and now are victorious.
Every new duty calls for more grace than I now possess, but not more than is found in Thee, the divine treasury in whom all fullness dwells. To Thee I repair for grace upon grace, until every void made by sin be replenished and I am filled with all Thy fullness.
May my desires be enlarged and my hopes emboldened, that I may honour Thee by my entire dependency and the greatness of my expectation.
Do Thou be with me, and prepare me for all the smiles of prosperity, the frowns of adversity, the losses of substance, the death of friends, the days of darkness, the changes of life, and the last great change of all. May I find thy grace sufficient for all my needs.

1 comment:

Melanie said...

I can totally relate. What a great post and much needed reminder to put things in true perspective!